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at last some spare time before 12 am to blog

opps, I spoke too soon, Dino is awake again staring into space towards the epad direction. things calmed down just ever so slightly compared to last week, I guess I am calmer after my small break down too. regardless I still feel quite hopeless at times……. but at least I am fully taking care of this Dino. he doesn’t have the same glowing aura as z. he is much more quiet, less bubbky and definitely seems to be more calmer…….
I made fresh waffles yesterday (still haven’t finished cleaning the kitchen due to my wrist hurting) and they were so yummy. I just need to find a good 雞蛋仔recipe now and use my waffle maker to make it. I think I have to call it a nite already, don’t got the strength to stay up anymore ESP knowing I have to wake up in two hrs to deal with Dino. good nite.

黑洞再次出現

It has been just slightly over a year since i felt this way.. so hopeless too. I am telling myself that it must be post partum depression syndrome lingering behind… with the nano split second i felt i just want to die watching my mom take z away …i woke up quickly with zach being present. I also realized what i have started doing… unconsciously not eating.. down to two meals a day
I vividly remember now.. the feeling that u want to die but u cant.. that souless helpless feeling. Why wont these memories go away.

我哭了

It has been stressful… it still is. Stretching everyone’s tolerance to the limits and stretching it out more.
I’m starting to feel quite 孤單 beneath this surface of mine… listening to jay chou’s ‘說了再見’ just reminds me of the dark nights sleeping on the hospital beds

So beat…

I cant think of another word other than exhausted? But that dun seem to exactly match up with how i am feeling. Sitting at the docs office.. waiting for my turn.. my appt is for 9:30 and it is 6 mins to 10 am already. I am not sure why i even bothered to rush over here. Appts slips already within the first hour of office hours. Sigh. One hr parking better be enough.. i dont want to run around between meters and my cold in this dry bone chilling weather. I had already dashed around for a working meter! My nose is dripping again today @@
Nth much has been happening except for meeting deadlines at work. Which is absolutely crazy being at the end of the train. I dont think i will be going home tonight until stuff are done cuz documents need to be printed and signed fri morning. Hmm.. i think i am next! I want to get back to work to eat my donut. Lol. I want to go to yujiro for lunch 😦
Tmw is a nice tenderloin steak and lobster dinner again.. this time with my whole fam. My cooking is soo much better than my baking – its not even funny. I figured out a new super fresh delicious marinate/ flavor for mushrooms and steaks.
LOl. I swear the doc recognizes me.. well i’m not sure how many patients come see her for two years staight now….  so ya. She grinned at me again this time.. well it was more of a chuckle when she saw me eating my recess pieces. I was hungry ma. I had a bit of breakfast this morn… i was saving room for my donut!
Z is being absolutely cute.. she’s learning quite a lot… she definitely knows when she is doing something she is not suppose to do. Lol. The best thing is her waddling over to my bed side in the morning glowing away like a lil sunshine. 
Going to work is extremely tough this time around. Sitting at my desk all day, this crazy on going deadline pressure… and of course trying to eat/cook and spend some time with z. Lol. It’s almost like al is out of the picture. We havent had much time together since who knows when. Except last nite i guess… things managed to work out so that we got to go to the movies. Did  a lil trade with mom tho where i look after z fri afternoon so she can go out to work instead of wed nite. She didnt look as tired watching z for long long hours as compared to watching z during the day and going out to work in the evenings.
Bro i think is doing better. I cant help to worry about him now knowing how he is.. how his mind works.. etc. He’s keeping himself busy which is good. Hopefully he will recover soon.
I saw chi the other day.. he’s dating a girl i guess 4 years younger than him? The girl looks like shes a good fit for him. It’s good to see that he moved on. Sad that i had to break what we had … but it cant go on like that.. still sad that i lost a friend tho.

Dang.. i think i need to go to the washroom. There’s 14ish min left before my parking expires too… it’s my turn next. I will make sure i call next time before coming here! Waiting an hour is a bit too much. Thank goodness i got to work early today and wont be leaving until much later.

I got a hair cut appt.. i hope it turns out better than the last one!

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one bright day to “un-sadden” that sad day

i finally remembered why i wanted to blog instead of sleep last night. i guess my 7 minutes of blogging.. well it was actually 8 minutes – didn’t capture my original thoughts.
just the other day, when my head was swimming and it was no where to the direction of “work”, i went to my blog and looked. there was a “sad” post but it was kept blank for a reason. i knew it was intentionally kept blank and realized i can’t seem to recall what might have happened that day or event so i left it. within 24 hours, when i least expected, events triggered my memory.. and the other person’s too. we must have sat there for an hour in silence. it was a sad event and it was left there “unfixed”. i guess there just wasn’t something strong enough to push us to get thru it? i am not sure… i still don’t understand how a simple morning turned into me sitting in the car crying for hours. and mc d breakfast down the garbage. and that was the last time i had mc d breakfast. in between there were times.. but it always ended up as no-go. finally.. a free buttermilk biscuit sandwich and some tumbling from my tummy.. broke the silence between us. i really don’t care who did what, who said what.. why and so forth. i knew stress was a big factor. and yes it shouldn’t have or needed to end a morning like that but it happened already and trying to figure out who said what that bothered the other.. well it was everything.. whole situation handed badly.. we both know. but it ended there. and continued on hours later almost like it didn’t happen except for avoiding mc d. well then.. i took the first half step to suggest to go back to mc d in the morning.. the other …finally went along with it.. and it turned into a bright and beautiful day yesterday. even my bed hair was awsome.. i went to work with my bed hair (hardly combed) but it looked like i had spent an hour on it! anyways… back to work

11:01pm – lets see how much i can blog in 7 minutes.

Why 7 minutes? Because 5min is too short and 10 min, well i might end up blogging for an hour if i get into a heated discussion within 10 min. I do want to sleep early cuz my head is hurting. Both z and al r sick. Well z is almost better and al’s cold is surfacing, see i knew he shouldnt have taken that nite shift to look after zoey.  Ateast mom is recovering. I am trying to stay ok… it aint easy! It requires a ton of awareness from eating, drinkinh juice, not over working, isolate myself from sick ppl, and make sure i am well rested. Lol, but my work at work is just getting crazier with a tender doc going out the door on monday, i still hope i can take monday off but my chances are slim. I want to rest! Now this lil baby is doing lightning kicks. (Yes i am thinking of street fighter).
I am ignoring my dad’s message to meet this blogging time. This blue light keeps blinking!
So i made an announcement of facebook about the lil one in my tummy. If i dont.. i think i will get my butt kicked when ppl suddenly see newborn pics!
My bro…i am still worried about my bro

Times up – one min over!

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cold tuesday morning in feb

from a nice mild weather week.. it almost feels like we are in a deep freeze right now tho we are still far from it. i can’t remember where i last left off from my blog .. so i shall just randomly start off by telling you that i just made a nice hot cup of french vanilla … and just finished sticking a straw in it. i’m waiting for it to cool down a bit before i drink this. i think i slept 5 hours last night.. 5 good hours i guess. z is sick.. drippy nose and congested. trying to stick her up right to sleep does not work well when you want to sleep and she likes to move around. so ya, in comparison, last night’s sleep was much better and al took the night shift. tho i was lingering around.. by 1 am i had to go back to my room, not only my back was hurting from that soft mattress, but just i dunno. it is a big difference when it is your child who is sick.. i am grateful that she pass thru her first year without much colds or flu. i wish i was at home to watch z right now.. she is in good hands but i just miss her. thank goodness

i went home yesterday afternoon.. mom is sick too! and cuz she had to come over to watch z in the morning, it gave her a chance to run home and do errands.
last night i felt so 幸福 again. haven’t felt this way for so long. my first time was during when i was prego with z. funniest thing, eh? 28 years into life and the first time i felt so 幸福 was then. it’s not like i can pin point what exactly made me feel that way. well the largest part is al just by me all the time.. and i guess cuz i was prego.. i was so carefree with my legs stuck up on a chair and i got to eat a ton of super duper yummy poutine and i was greatly pampered. and of course suddenly things had to be done in a much slower pace, maybe that was why i can just sit back and be in each moment. of course after z was born my life became a nightmare for the longest time (well not really that long but it dang felt like it.. it still does when i think back) .. things calmed down. and that 幸福 feeling was long gone too. this whole prego with baby now.. it got off to such a rough start, emo breakdowns with mom and with al… then fighting one of the hardest battles.. staying strong .. well i don’t know
how much of that i did.. but not giving up.. well i refused to …. and now things are ok and settled down again. but of course.. there’s a big daily life adjustment that we are trying to get thru. tho the hardest part was done and gone.. but in terms of daily life things – at that time.. everything was put to a halt except for the most basic needs. now after a month or two.. we finally picked things up and put them in place. z is no stranger to her own room.. or in the matter of fact.. she waddles between her room and mine in the dark!!! and finds it funny when i frown at her (because she’s suppose to be sleeping of course).

work… lol.. where do i even begin with that? i started off with a relatively small new project.. flin flon water treatment plant. and of course i gotta clean up stuff i left for others to work on a year ago when i on mat-leave.. the wpg water treatment plant stuff!!! well yesterday morning.. i finally got stuff out the door. well i am assuming it is out the door because i haven’t gotten any phone calls or emails about it. let’s hope it stays that way. i still got bits and pieces of that project to do .. but that can wait. cuz i got this tender deadline to meet by friday @@ .. what’s up with these crazy deadlines. and the week after, i am sure it will be those shop drawings that has been sitting on my desk for the past 2 weeks! fun fun. but i will be taking the monday off. working a full week is a tad too much with z and chinese skoo.

speaking on chinese skoo… i am beginning to feel that i am doing way way too much. but that’s ok.. just a few more months. either to my due date or end of year.. whichever comes first i guess. there is no doubt i will miss it. the kids.. TAs. became really close with my TAs now.. i think this is the longest i had the same TAs for since i been teaching. and the whole group mix well together too.. i guess that’s what makes it so magical. i do want to spend more time at home, shedding load to others for my own leisure to go to chinese skoo just doesn’t seem right either. once i leave tho.. i don’t think i will go back to teach. but we’ll see how things goes in the future.

things around me.. people.. relationships, their relationships are always changing. it’s hard to see close ones cope with similar situations i have been through… i just hope they can mend quickly…

Sad

Sigh

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Double greetings

Just when i was getting a headache with my choices for lunch, due to some miscommunications, i ended following lindsay to double greetings. It is bloody cold here esp sitting next to a window… oh well. Today chinky skoo went smooth except for a kid crying, lol. O well. Taught the kids the song 財神到 and wow, that song is sure catchy! The kids should know the song by next week. Next week is exam week, then i guess i will get them to fold some rabbits for the new year. And figure out other stuff for the kids to do for CNY activities. It’s a long sat.. going to have to go pick some cake, then some food, then shopping and pick z up, the go help prep for potluck.. maybe not pick z up, just camp at moms.. then hopefully some more sleep tonite. Al is probably dead tired from waking up every two hours to flip z around last nite.

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