and it’s time to blog again… while i’m sitting on my nice chaises that was moved from the living room to the corner of the bedroom beside the window. with the vase looking white lamp beside me on.. i can still peek out the window and see cars running by in the dark cold lonely night. it is 9 pm right now and i think if i hadn’t stuffed myself with a pizza that had heap loads of extra mushroom and cheese i would definitely be sleeping (or at least) trying to sleep by now. it was hard enough to stay focus at work today and luckily i managed to tuck myself indoors working on my overdue (now comepleted) training modules and started typing up past over due reports to get things rolling.. and of course collect "work work" gossip between buddies and Contractors.. where is my supervisor? lol… he’s on vacation for a month and of course he deserves it but it feels he left this minon of his … deer in headlights. lol.. i don’t know how else i can describe it. pressure is high and even higher when he is not here with me stuck in the middle waving my arms to counteract the happenings at site (with Contractors).. lol.. me and my buddies (gaining more of them) at site .. well and everyone else now that we have a full team out there are working well .. like a family.. which is quite koo. and of course i absolutely adore my roommate .. kindly sharing his baking tips and of course trying to successful mandarin orange cheesecake, blueberry cheesecake, decent black forrest cake… tomorrow will be my 3rd attempt of fresh blueberry muffins from scratch.. the first time i made it.. the wow i got from al was really koo.. i have no idea why he like muffins and not cake.. and i’m no fan of muffins except for the muffin top.. and of course my dad loves blueberry muffins.. so with a wow from al.. i shipped some over to my parent’s place and fair review i think? but that batch of blueberries were a tad sour. so soon after (next weekend i believe) i made another batch.. i went from 6 muffins to a dozen of them this time (and got a nod from ah fee too) .. shipped them off to my parents and my bro said it was good too.. lol. just this weekend at costco (had to go to the regent one) and mom saw big big blueberries and here we go again.. sunday early evening i started to make 2 dozens and silly me whipped everything by hand (trust me.. after doing 2 piles of dishes all at once you would think twice about what you use and end up in the sink to be washed) .. and the muffins turned out the best batch yet.. and of course i had quickly shipped them straight to my parent’s place just before they finished eating supper.. i was suppose to eat supper with them.. well i wanted to help eat the leftovers from friday.. i guess with ah fee with my family.. my parents totally ordered food that can last 2 meals for the 7 of us! and plus there was the last min cake i picked up from goodies on the way to restaurant.. thank goodness they had a small cake and it was my fav type of cake too.. choco raspberry cake.. dang.. it was so yummy.. i had the biggest piece which was almost double the size of everyone else (i had started dividing the cake in 8ths when there were 7 of us).. kinda happy that ah fee wasn’t akward with my fam dinner and vice versa…
things have definately changed with my family’s chemistry.. everyone is more relaxed (i guess family feud battle has been quiet for a while.. but i shall be on guard!) but i think the biggest thing is that my mom can now see i can whip out a 5 course meal just like that.. western or chinese.. and of course things poor al is my manual dishwasher.. (who is trying to get an automatic dishwasher).. and of course my bro’s gf who seems to feel at home and yaks away about her interesting stories at the hospital and puts a grin on my mom’s face and spends a bit of time with her with my bro too.. of course me living 3 min away from my mom kinda calmed things down as well..
i fell down the stairs again.. right on chinese new year day.. just in the late evening after i got home.. i was happy jumpy.. day off at work. shopping.. dim sum.. etc.. after i came home.. al was still downstairs and we were talking and i was going back downstairs to give him something and totally forgot to watch where i was walking.. well i knew i was walking down the stairs but i wasn’t paying attention nor holding the rail .. and i slipped the last few steps and broke half my fall with my right elbow but still had a big impact on my back.. it was quite a painful fall and was tearing up and suddenly i started chuckling a bit because it was new years and i remember i was scold at for crying on CNY.. and so i held back any tears for the next lil while… but that fall almost put me back in square one… and all my efforts to get my back in a better shape down the drain. which much struggling i had to go back to yoga and MT every 2-3 weeks at most i guess.. my spirit is down.. still is but trying not to show.. hearing anything about my back will make me crack.. i still can walk fine.. so thank goodness for that… but i really don’t know what to say.. how are the odds of hurting you back 3 times in the same spot.. in such a short time? what bit me the most is that i hid it "so well" that al didn’t know.. well i don’t like to be or feel like handicap so well ya.. i try to work as normal and taking a physical beating everyday.. no wonder i sleep early, eh? well i have been getting to work back on time or earlier.. so it makes a difference when u start to work a full 8-9 hours .. instead of 7 hours.
i’m struggling with being my normal self and staying calm and collected… it doesn’t matter how i look at things.. it makes sense to try to be calm and collected.. it really does.. but damnit. it’s feels so not normal to be like this.. things are starting to turn grey instead of bright rainbow colors or something.. i don’t know how others do it and feel it is normal. once in a while ppl like my knight in shining armor pops a message over and reminds me of the beautiful rainbow colors i used to see.
i was told that i have grown up (in the sense that i stopped partying).. but is this what it takes to be grown up? i’m not partying because i don’t like it but of other issues.. if i could i think i would.. i would be at the bar right now shaking my head away melting in with the music.. thought about it but it was too bloody cold during the weekend.. i don’t know if i want to or if others would want to get a frostbite with me standing outside in a line up.
i feel bad that i haven’t sent yammy’s present.. i had a thought in mind that it would be cute to write and date the bday card with feb 27th.. but didn’t get a chance to sit down and write out stuff i want to get on the card.. soon soon…
the past few months i have (don’t know when it started) started to lose my passion teaching the kids.. not sure why.. pressure? i talked to myself about it and went to class smiling brightly on sat morning and interacted with the kids that much more.. hopefully i’ll remember that feeling and fix that up. relax! relax!.. so easy to say.
but no.. sitting here in this corner on my chaise .. it feels so so nice.
mixed emotions.. i don’t know what just triggered me to remember my chat on the phone with alice today.. it’s nice that she knows how i feel and what i am up to. she can at least stop worrying that it’s family part that is making me so quiet and down.. it did but moved past that and just about her i guess or my feelings towards her. at least i don’t have to find reasons to explain anything. less to worry.. it’s out there and just going to leave it.. whatever happens happens.. i can’t force myself to feel safe when i don’t.. blindly trust a person what i don’t have faith to.. at least wait until my bitterness subsides.. time does the job well.. it’s tough.. it’s funny.. just because there were no arguments for n years.. does that really mean things are ok? or is just one person just sucking it up and the other one not noticing?
bb's memories 