monday morning.. 2:27 am

after weeks i think i have calmed down. it took another life and death situation.. to totally cry myself out.. to stop. over the past week..  i have had 3 sudden attacks where i now don’t go anywhere without a bottle of gatorade and definitely not move at a fast paced. had a big meal tonight and luckily my mom was around (really by chance) where she helped a lot of lil stuff in the kitchen. by the time my mom left ah fee came over and once again we were cooking together .. well it was him who tried to help me look after the stuff while i’m trying to do something else for a moment or two. it feels really special cooking with him (my mom nags sometimes and has her own own preference…. and …) while ah fee feels almost like 2 of me in the kitchen (fun and really well coordinated without talking.!!)  other than that, bobo’s cousins help made butter scotch chips marshmellow dessert, i made green tea gelato (which turned out.. the taste was there) and ah fee made his popular creme brulee 🙂 .. flo helped me make a few dressings.. and had other stuff too. i think this evening was the first evening all week other than bball where i was at ease and my heart stopped aching. yesterday at the wedding.. my heart was just hurting so so much. sorry to say.. but thank goodness  i had pre-notified that i will probably just attend ceremony and probably not the dinner. and ya.. there was no way i would have been able to go to dinner. yesterday (sat) i tried to go to costco to get that funky heart shaped necklace but i went to the wrong one… can u believe it? i couldn’t until i realized that and at least i did the moment i saw the display case and the necklace wasn’t there…….. i think i know what i want to do now but i am not certain and every damn time i try to think about it (like right now) my chest would start to hurt. isn’t that dumb? i hope when i wake up.. i can focus on work and do like 3 days of work in a day. it’s possible.. i have done it before. .. i just hope i can or i will be staying late at site everyday this week.